Answer separately.
Write your own meaning and expectation before comparing answers. Share only what you freely choose.
Continue the work · Free reader companion
Union Code
Reader Resources
Define the agreement. Examine the practice. Build consciously.
A practical companion to The Manual No One Handed You About Modern Marriage: questions, working definitions, and a record for the conversations that deserve more than assumptions.
14 printable pages · 40 audit questions · 2-page discussion worksheet · 16 terms · No email or account required
How to use these resources
Start with one honest conversation.
Compare the terms.
Mark each area: clear agreement, needs discussion, unresolved difference, or not applicable. There is no total score.
Choose a practice.
Record one voluntary action, who accepts it, and a review date. Look for changes in conduct, then revisit the agreement.
A completed worksheet does not prove readiness or guarantee a relationship outcome.
Before you begin: privacy, safety, and scope
These original Union Code prompts are for reflection and discussion, not a validated assessment, legal contract, or substitute for professional advice. They supplement the manual; they do not reproduce the book.
Keep your completed worksheets privately. Do not send intimate answers to Union Code. If you fear retaliation, coercion, or violence, do not use a joint worksheet to confront the other person; seek confidential support through a trusted local service. Immediate danger calls for local emergency help.
01 · The expanded Covenant Audit
Forty questions. Eight areas of shared life.
The workbook gives each area five questions and space to write. These opening prompts show where the work begins.
01
Purpose & identity
Why do I want this union, and which parts of that answer come from family or cultural pressure?
02
Fidelity, sex & consent
What conduct do we each mean by fidelity, including online contact, former partners, flirting, and sexual exclusivity?
03
Money, work & household labor
Which purchases or obligations need a joint decision, and what happens when we disagree?
04
Children & family
Do we each want children, and what does a genuine disagreement mean for our decision to proceed?
05
Privacy, autonomy & community
Which decisions are individual, which are shared, and where are we assuming authority we have not discussed?
06
Conflict, repair & exit
What does a useful apology require beyond words: acknowledgment, restitution where possible, and changed behavior?
07
Illness, dependency & caregiving
How will we recognize caregiver exhaustion and ask for help without treating need as failure?
08
Alignment, change & maintenance
What one specific action can each of us freely commit to, with an owner, date, and observable result?
02 · The printable discussion worksheet
Turn an assumption into a clear record.
Use pages 10–11 of the workbook, or copy the prompts below into a private notebook. Choose one question per conversation.
Make it explicit.
- Date, topic, and question number.
- My meaning: what I mean by the key word.
- My expectation: what I have been asking for.
- Their meaning: what I heard. Ask them to confirm.
- Evidence: what actually happened, without guessing motives.
- Agreement or difference: what is clear and what remains open.
Practice and review.
- Proposed action: the specific behavior, with no assumed consent.
- Voluntary commitment: who accepts which responsibility?
- Support, limits, and capacity: what makes the plan realistic?
- Review date and evidence: what will we observe?
- At review: what changed, what did not, and what did we learn?
- Next decision: continue, revise together, pause, or seek help.
A discussion record is not a contract, a waiver of rights, or permission to harm. A signature is not required. Consent, safety, and applicable law still matter.
03 · Marriage Terms Dictionary
Same word. Different agreement?
These working definitions begin the discussion. They are not universal or legal definitions. Ask what each term requires in your actual conduct.
Covenant
A consciously chosen commitment with understood responsibilities. Union Code uses this as an ethical framework; the word alone does not determine legal rights.
Covenant literacy
The practice of understanding the terms, capacities, obligations, and consequences of a relationship before and while living within it.
Marriage
A relationship that may include personal and spiritual commitments as well as a legal status. Legal effects depend on jurisdiction; discuss them with a qualified professional.
Agreement
A term both people have understood and voluntarily accepted. An unspoken expectation is not evidence of agreement.
Expectation
What someone anticipates or wants. Ask whether it has been expressed, understood, and accepted.
Consent
A freely given, specific, ongoing choice. Previous agreement, silence, or relationship status does not create blanket permission.
Fidelity
Faithfulness to the commitments actually made. Define the relevant conduct explicitly rather than assuming identical meanings.
Exclusivity
An agreed limit on specified romantic or sexual involvement with others. Describe its scope; do not assume the label settles every boundary.
Boundary
A clearly stated limit and the action a person may take to protect it. Calling a demand a boundary does not make coercion acceptable.
Privacy
Room for personal life and information. Distinguish it from withholding information another person needs to make an informed shared decision.
Autonomy
The ability to make choices and retain individual agency while acknowledging accepted responsibilities and effects on others.
Interdependence
Mutual support between people who remain distinct. Needing help and having agency can coexist.
Stewardship
Responsible care for people and shared resources. Care does not establish ownership of another person.
Capacity
The time, skills, resources, health, and support available to carry a commitment. Willingness and capacity are different questions.
Repair
Work after harm: truthful acknowledgment, responsibility, appropriate action, and evidence over time. Forgiveness or reconciliation cannot be demanded.
Renegotiation
A discussion of changes to an agreement. One person announcing a new term does not establish mutual agreement; legal obligations require separate attention.
04 · References & continued study
Know what a source actually supports.
These sources support specific background topics. They do not validate the Covenant Audit or endorse Union Code. This is a companion reading list, not the complete bibliography of the book.
Recognize harm.
CDC · About Intimate Partner Violence
Background on physical and sexual violence, stalking, and psychological aggression. Supports the distinction between ordinary disagreement and abuse.
Prepare the money conversation.
Tools for money conversations, goals, debt, and financial records.
Clarify financial expectations.
CFPB · Family lending and borrowing
Questions for making informal financial arrangements and their expectations explicit.
Before legal or financial commitments, consult current official guidance and a qualified professional in your jurisdiction. A private relationship agreement does not automatically change legal duties concerning marriage, property, support, or children.
Separate observation from interpretation. Ask what a source establishes, whom it describes, and what remains uncertain.
Keep learning
A conscious covenant is an ongoing practice.
Return to these resources when circumstances change. Keep earlier notes so you can distinguish a new promise from a change in conduct.